I’ve felt really vulnerable this week. I hate being vulnerable. I hate being weak. I hate being defenseless. I hate when things are exposed that show who you really are. I dread that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you are open and vulnerable and completely bluntly honest with yourself. You don’t justify, you don’t tiptoe around. This cloud of fear has been hanging over me and this fear of reality is setting in. I’m not one to be weak and poor in spirit. I always think that there is no reason to be that way because Jesus is with me and things could be a lot worse. But this week I felt like that person who is just beaten up.
My circumstances had nothing to do with it because life was pretty typical. The thing that really tore me up was realizing and being honest about how susceptible I was in some struggles. In the past I have thought about the things that could take my eyes off of God and I thought that I had a handle on it all, and I said that many times to myself and to others that they weren’t a problem right now. But man, this week I was just shown that I am so much more wrapped up in things than I’d like to think. We always talk about “self-denial” “take up your cross” “die to your desires” and I say yeah and agree. I pray “God I want my life to be pleasing to you and I don’t want to do anything that isn’t for you”. But how does my life show this? Do my actions speak of self-denial? I’m uneasy when it comes to this new reality of life. I’m uneasy thinking about things and how much they have really taken control of my life. I’m uneasy thinking about how my future will look if I get rid of these distractions. Seriously, I’ve been struck emotionally and mentally with fear these last few days. I’m uneasy thinking about how I’m giving it all to God…like I’ve had to do so many times. How come this time it is so hard? How come it hurts more this time? I’m thinking it’s because the other times I didn’t really know what I was giving up and I didn’t really believe that I was actually sacrificing it forever. This time I am. Sometimes when I get in a place like this I feel really alone and misunderstood. I feel like I can’t explain it and I can’t explain where I am coming from. I can’t explain what God is doing in my heart and I can’t explain how that is transmitting in my life…words can’t express it. The only word that says it is: change. Change has occurred. More change is coming.
For the first time in a while I feel like I am fighting against what I feel and I am actually doing something that hurts. I’ve given God many things that don’t hurt like this. They don’t even measure up to the things I’ve thought about recently and the personal battle I will be facing as the days push forward. But the whole reason I am continuing to sacrifice these things so dear to me is because I want to be used by God and I want to help others to know Jesus better. If I don’t start crushing these desires then they will be weighing me down in reaching the lost and the potential that God has. He has some awesome plans for me and I know this without a doubt. I’ve been in awe and just amazed thinking about the things that God may call me to do. It is outside of the ordinary and will stretch me further than ever before. But the thing is that I will never be able to do it unless I completely let God purify me. “Purify this tainted soul; I’m tired of living life a fool...”
Gosh. I feel like I am in the worst breakup ever. Haha. I’ve probably cried like it too! It’s just you are breaking up with your dreams and hopes, plans…everything I want to happen. No more expectations. I am breaking up with selfish me. I’m saying goodbye to my security blanket. The frustrating thing is that my own junk is impacting every other aspect of my life. My relationships and energy have been impacted by these heavy thoughts. They have been weighing me down and I’m done…I’m done.
What a crazy season of life I am in. Definitely a season of preparation. Galatians 6:9.
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