i love fall. change is all around and its a good thing!

september.27.2009

I’ve felt really vulnerable this week. I hate being vulnerable. I hate being weak. I hate being defenseless. I hate when things are exposed that show who you really are. I dread that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you are open and vulnerable and completely bluntly honest with yourself. You don’t justify, you don’t tiptoe around. This cloud of fear has been hanging over me and this fear of reality is setting in. I’m not one to be weak and poor in spirit. I always think that there is no reason to be that way because Jesus is with me and things could be a lot worse. But this week I felt like that person who is just beaten up.

My circumstances had nothing to do with it because life was pretty typical. The thing that really tore me up was realizing and being honest about how susceptible I was in some struggles. In the past I have thought about the things that could take my eyes off of God and I thought that I had a handle on it all, and I said that many times to myself and to others that they weren’t a problem right now. But man, this week I was just shown that I am so much more wrapped up in things than I’d like to think. We always talk about “self-denial” “take up your cross” “die to your desires” and I say yeah and agree. I pray “God I want my life to be pleasing to you and I don’t want to do anything that isn’t for you”. But how does my life show this? Do my actions speak of self-denial? I’m uneasy when it comes to this new reality of life. I’m uneasy thinking about things and how much they have really taken control of my life. I’m uneasy thinking about how my future will look if I get rid of these distractions. Seriously, I’ve been struck emotionally and mentally with fear these last few days. I’m uneasy thinking about how I’m giving it all to God…like I’ve had to do so many times. How come this time it is so hard? How come it hurts more this time? I’m thinking it’s because the other times I didn’t really know what I was giving up and I didn’t really believe that I was actually sacrificing it forever. This time I am. Sometimes when I get in a place like this I feel really alone and misunderstood. I feel like I can’t explain it and I can’t explain where I am coming from. I can’t explain what God is doing in my heart and I can’t explain how that is transmitting in my life…words can’t express it. The only word that says it is: change. Change has occurred. More change is coming.

For the first time in a while I feel like I am fighting against what I feel and I am actually doing something that hurts. I’ve given God many things that don’t hurt like this. They don’t even measure up to the things I’ve thought about recently and the personal battle I will be facing as the days push forward. But the whole reason I am continuing to sacrifice these things so dear to me is because I want to be used by God and I want to help others to know Jesus better. If I don’t start crushing these desires then they will be weighing me down in reaching the lost and the potential that God has. He has some awesome plans for me and I know this without a doubt. I’ve been in awe and just amazed thinking about the things that God may call me to do. It is outside of the ordinary and will stretch me further than ever before. But the thing is that I will never be able to do it unless I completely let God purify me. “Purify this tainted soul; I’m tired of living life a fool...”

Gosh. I feel like I am in the worst breakup ever. Haha. I’ve probably cried like it too! It’s just you are breaking up with your dreams and hopes, plans…everything I want to happen. No more expectations. I am breaking up with selfish me. I’m saying goodbye to my security blanket. The frustrating thing is that my own junk is impacting every other aspect of my life. My relationships and energy have been impacted by these heavy thoughts. They have been weighing me down and I’m done…I’m done.

What a crazy season of life I am in. Definitely a season of preparation. Galatians 6:9.

i wanna grow and mature to be a woman whose heart is so after God that nothing else compares to Him.

today has been a great day. I really feel like myself again tonight...these last couple days I've been out of my element for several reasons. but at this moment I feel energized, refreshed, and focused. I was able to have dinner and laugh with some good company...girlfriends I've had since I was like 12. It was nice. Life seems to be more challenging lately, but in the long run I know its gonna be worth it all.

hanging out a home tonight..not doing much of anything. its a nice change from the craziness of life. I like being busy, hanging out with friends but sometimes its cool to just chill at home and bum out with the family. this is my thursday night agenda.

I had a moment in the car the other day where I just stopped and had a surreal awakening. I seriously asked the question to myself, "what am I doing? Is this reality? Is this my life? Is this really Me? Melissa?" I think about life and where I am...seriously, it is way too good. I don't deserve this awesome life. It's not that I'm rich, successful, or have it all together. The things that I'm thinking about are things like my relationship with Jesus. 4 years ago I didnt even know you could have a relationship with God. Woah. Now I can't imagine not having one. I think about my friendships and relationships that I have been blessed with in the last years...wow. what did I do to deserve them? These awesome people I have relationships with...I feel so blessed. I think about where I am in college, the things that I have learned, the opportunities and experiences I've had...who is this girl that is doing these things? How did I end up here? I step out of my body and see this girl who is really in love with Jesus and not thinking twice about it. She just goes for it and doesnt question it. She isn't perfect but she is giving it her all. God has called her to do something great and she will do whatever to get there. Who is this girl? I can't believe it's me. Melissa Leah Fitzgerald. Daughter of Shannon and Regina. Born 11/23/1988. This is me.

The thing I'm always realizing is that I didn't do much to get where I am today. it has nothing to do with me. All I did was ask Jesus to be my Savior and King and then I just started to obey Him and continued on...and now, WOAH, I'm here. thats the thing with God. He knows our potential and He will get us there if we trust Him and just do it His way. I wasn't a girl who grew up in church and knew it all. I came from a messed up family like everyone else and I made some dumb choices too. But I didnt give up on Jesus and He didnt give up on me. Here I am, going to be 21 in a couple months, and my life is satisfying...full of joy...purpose...love. I am striving. I am learning. I am growing. I am living the abundant life.


It's not that life is easy. Even as I type I have struggles that I'm dealing with. Being a Christian is hard. But somehow if you walk with Jesus everyday, you can conquer anything. There are ups and downs, but overall...jeeze, life is way toooo good. I seriously didnt have any idea my life would look like this right now. I would have never never guessed or planned this out but it is better than I could have pictured myself. I believe that this is God's plan for everyone. He will show them a better life than they could ever imagine.

ahh. keep serving the Lord and don't look back.

FGG

sooooo funny.

God's message to me as of recent

It is crazy how much of a difference your life is when your heart is in the right place. I've noticed this on my own in the last couple months. We always talk about it...but really, when you are right in God's eyes things are so much better. When I consciously decide to go before God with my sin and ask forgiveness, I find life to be full of more joy even though its a painful process. When I put Him first, I see the abundant life I am living even with small meaningless moments. I have also seen the flip side of this when I don't put Him first. I see where I wander and stray. I see the things I let creep in and try to take my joy. But, I am discovering my own weaknesses and faults through this whole process. I can see that when I am tired, I tend to wander more away from God. When I am lazy with my time, I am lazy with God. When I say I will do things later, I really don't most of the time. When I put any secular media into my brain, I think about the wrong things. When I spend time with someone and never talk about God with them, I see where my heart is. When I am at work to just make money and clock out, I see where my heart is. These are my faults. This is how I am wired. lots of character development yet to take place.

The bottom line is this...nothing should take God's place in our hearts. Nothing should take precedence and priority, nothing should take our emotions and focus, nothing should take our thoughts...but God. (1 John 5:21---probably the most relevant verse of my life right now)

And also God has speaking to me about my self-worth, creation, beauty, and value. These topics never get old and I always need to be refreshed. I am messed up on the inside, yet so loved by Him. Jesus perfects my imperfections. My God is the creator of everything and even created me beautifully in every aspect. I am fearfully and wonderfully made in every way. When God looks at me He doesn't even see the flesh. He just looks at my heart.

One more thing--the word Kingdom is coming up all the time in my life. I'm seeing how God would not call me to do anything that is away from this work of the kingdom. It's not like there will be times in life where we can take a break from sowing seeds and speaking to others. That means that no job I work is bigger than this purpose. No activity I want to participate in is without this purpose of telling others about Jesus. Nothing in the future will happen that God doesn't want to use for His kingdom. Even marriage is about the kingdom--we join as one to be more effective for it. Everything is to help others know Jesus better. This is another profound thing in my life. Dominating my thoughts!

Well that's it...its a lot more than that, but there it is. Just some recent ramblings.