i saw the movie "tuck everlasting" the other day...well, the first time in years. it jogged some thoughts...look forward to that post!

achings.

I am just aching to grow. I have this hunger and desire thriving on the inside. It's like the feeling that you get when something is really bothering you and you can't think about anything else...except it's not a bad thing, but a great thing. I am just so hungry and thirsty for spiritual growth. I want to be more for God. I want to be stronger in Him. I want to be wiser. I want to grow in my knowledge of God and the Bible...but also in my everyday relationship with Christ. I feel like God has really put this on my heart lately. I dont want to just be the silly girl that can have a good laugh and be the center of attention. But I also want to be the woman who can hold up her own, speak highly of others, give wisdom and encouragement, have compassion and understanding and a woman who can impact other people's lives for Christ. The person that is one fire and passionate about God working in her life. I don't want to look back and wish I'd done more with my time.

These next 13 days I have been given an opportunity to grow. I'll get some alone time and I really want to focus on God. I'm tired of talking about it and I'm tired of going to bed with this desire for God unfulfilled. Sometimes I lay in bed at night and think about how I want to do more for God and I have this urgency, but I don't act on the urgency. I want to start acting on it. I want God to be speaking to me and I want to learn new things. I want the "aahh ha" moments I used to have all the time. I want the divine appointments and ministry opportunties that were all around when I was focused, and not that they were just around but that I was taking advantage of the opportunities. I want the deep God-filled conversations with friends and I want Christ to just be reflecting in my life inside and out. But these things dont just happen. It requires work, time, and faith in God. I have to put in the effort to grow and stop being content with my present condition. Lord... help me with this. These are the desires of my heart.

:)

I'm excited about the next couple weeks. There will be some fun stuff going on... plus ++ I have some big plans of my own that I am going to do and be PRODUCTIVE with. I'm excited to make my to-do list and get going on these things. Summer is here and I LOVE IT. I just enjoy life at a whole new level and everything that goes on. Lots of activites, beautiful weather, and ministry opportunities! I even got to talk to a bunch of people from high school that I havent seen since we graduated today. How awesome God is. The opportunities are there if we open our eyes and take them. Seek God...and everything else will fall into place. He loves us and will give us everything we need-and all we could have dreamed of. I want to be so wrapped up in Him.

I would have never imagined my life to be as good as it is now and it just keeps getting better. All praise to God.

Thursday May 21

This song hit me this morning. thennnnn, i opened my bible and verse I read went right with it for what I thought God was trying to say to me. yes, thats how cool God is!

Surrender by Jeremy Camp:

Purify this tainted soul
I'm tired of living life a fool
Soften up this hardened clay
To be a servant, this I pray
A reflection of You, I long to be
So Your kingdom I will seek

I've taken things I thought my own
Only to reap what I've sown
You've given back the years I fought
An ending love and grace You've brought
Eternal hope and peace You bring
And forever unto You I will sing

I surrender to Your throne
And I will make my heart Your home "

Proverbs 21:2-3

People may be right in their own eyes,
but the Lord examines their heart.
The Lord is more pleased when we do what is right and just
than when we offer him sacrifices

I want more of God. I want to know Jesus better. Help me God to continue to seek your face!

this week has been awessomeeee so far.

no reason in particular. just has been. walking with JESUS!

So pretty much God rocks. I didn't deserve this life...I don't deserve this amazingness.

thanks God.

speechless

i'm too tired to write anything deep or profound tonight. the weekend is finally catching up with me but it was really awesome. My days off were relaxing and the retreat was impacting. God really worked on my heart with somethings while at the retreat. I wish I just could write it all out right now but I think I'll just save it for another time. It's good stuff. God is just so awesomeamazingfantasticalkdjlkghahga. anythin else i can say i would. i cant put my joy and love for God into words right now. I am definitely having one of those "mountain-top" experiences and I'm gonna enjoy and praise God for this time.

Happy Mother's Day to my mom, grandma, and aunt. They are great, even if they are crazy! I love being around them! And Happy Mother's Day to my sister too! Time to go spend more time with my mom...gonna finish watching bride wars.

FGG

ready for the weekend=excited.

had a productive day= work done, worked out, meeting, & played around.

looked at high school yearbooks tonight=wierd. awkward. funny.

got some new cds from friends=listenin & lovin them.

God is so amazing=can't put into words. speechless. in awe.

parents=they are a blessing [even when it doesnt feel like it at the time.]

2 Samuel 21=got me thinking about stuff.

june bugs=summer is here=awesomeness=can't wait.

laughing til you your sides hurt=priceless.[waitin for a good laugh like that again]

me+jesus+love=you.

sacrifice?

sacrifice: the surrender or destruction of something prized or desirable for the sake of something considered as having a higher or more pressing claim.

do I really understand sacrifice? The necessity for sacrifice as a Christian?

Romans 12:1 "Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship."

I know that accepting the gift of eternal life and a commitment to Jesus Christ requires sacrifice. I have to give up my own wants and desires and do what He wants. I have to quit living by how I feel and what feels good and do what is right. I know this and have known this...maybe in my brain, but not in my heart. I feel like for the first time in my relationship with Jesus Christ, I have been understanding sacrifice from God's perspective. I think God has opened my eyes to see that without sacrifice, we can never receive all that God has planned for us. Maybe there are things that we "sacrifice" that we don't miss but there are and will continue to be things that we really want that we will sacrifice for what God has. I liked that definition of sacrifice above because it shows this process of sacrifice. We give up something treasured and prized...very important to us...in order to receive something greater, which is God.

In one of my quiet times this week I was thinking about sacrifice and the story of Abraham and Isaac was brought to my mind. I was just thinking about how God asked Abraham to sacrifice his son, Isaac, who he loved so much. I was thinking about how Abraham would feel in that moment, wanting to trust God and obey but still thinking of what God was asking him to do. THIS IS SACRIFICE. Can you imagine the walk that Abraham and Isaac took to get to the mountain where the sacrifice was to take place and what Abraham must have been thinking? Talk about being brokenhearted and tore up. THIS IS SACRIFICE. Yet, he obeyed God and did what he was supposed to do and at last minute God stopped him from killing his son, brought a ram instead for the offering, and praised Abraham for his faith. Seriously, I have never faced sacrifice like that. But when we think about the altar and going to sacrifice things in our lives, like they did in the Old Testament, this is what I have in mind. You don't just sacrifice petty things, but the things that you really want and treasure. You take those things, put it on the altar, and give it to God---knowing and trusting that if you're supposed to have it that he will give it back to you.

It's hard. It's not easy. I was praying about things like marriage. For any girl, this is a especially big deal. Thinking about the wedding, the life ahead of spending everyday with your husband, your prince charming, your warrior and protector. To be able to love someone with everything inside of you for no reason but because you love them. To be able to share life with him, grow old together, grow closer to God together. This is what I want. But I came to the place where I just had to sacrifice it to God. It is what I desire. It is what I want for my life. I want to be a wife, to be the supporter of my husband, to help him be all God is calling Him to be. I want to be a mom, to raise my kids in the way that God wants, to set an example and help them be all that God wants them to be. I want to create a family and household that is pleasing to God. This is what I see in my future. YET-I am giving it up.

"God, you know my heart and you know my desires. You know what I want so bad. You know how I feel about everything and the thoughts that I have. I want to be a wife and a mom. But, God, right now I give that to you. I give my desire for marriage and give it to you. Maybe you want me to be single and if that is the case then I will still praise you and obey and embrace life to the fullest. I want to have children. But God, I give this desire to you, knowing that I may never get it back and never experience what it is like to be a mom. I believe that if these things don't come to pass in my life, you have greater plans and I can accept them. Help me God to be satisfied in you, not these earthly things. I just give over my plans, hopes, expectations and dreams to you and ask you to fill me with the things of you. Give me the desires of your heart God."

Wow. Tough. Tears stream down my face every time I pray this. But God is worth it all. My relationship with Jesus Christ is more important than marriage, children, and anything else I have dreamed up for myself. I give it up, fully knowing that I may never get it back. THIS IS TRUE SACRIFICE.